Breaking
GOVERNOR DECLARES WAR ON GRAVITY — CITES UNFAIR DOWNWARD PRESSURE // BUDGET SURPLUS DISCOVERED INSIDE COUCH, IMMEDIATELY LOST AGAIN // STATE BIRD REPLACED WITH DRONE FOR 'EFFICIENCY REASONS' // PRESS CONFERENCE DELAYED — HAIR GEL SHORTAGE // NEW LAW: MIRRORS MUST APPLAUD WHEN GOVERNOR PASSES // TRAFFIC FIXED. NO ONE SURE HOW. NO ONE BELIEVES IT. // WILDFIRE BLAMED ON 'EXCESSIVE OPTIMISM' // TASK FORCE FORMED TO STUDY WHY TASK FORCES KEEP FORMINGGOVERNOR DECLARES WAR ON GRAVITY — CITES UNFAIR DOWNWARD PRESSURE // BUDGET SURPLUS DISCOVERED INSIDE COUCH, IMMEDIATELY LOST AGAIN // STATE BIRD REPLACED WITH DRONE FOR 'EFFICIENCY REASONS' // PRESS CONFERENCE DELAYED — HAIR GEL SHORTAGE // NEW LAW: MIRRORS MUST APPLAUD WHEN GOVERNOR PASSES // TRAFFIC FIXED. NO ONE SURE HOW. NO ONE BELIEVES IT. // WILDFIRE BLAMED ON 'EXCESSIVE OPTIMISM' // TASK FORCE FORMED TO STUDY WHY TASK FORCES KEEP FORMING
Gevin Newscum

Channel 47 · The People's Network

NEWSCUM NETWORK

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Live · SacramentoFiled moments ago · By staff

GOVERNOR ANNOUNCES EMERGENCY ABOUT THE EMERGENCY HE ANNOUNCED YESTERDAY.

In a hastily arranged press conference held inside a closet, Gevin Newscum reassured citizens that everything is completely under control, and that any reports to the contrary were “deeply unhelpful and possibly French.”

Sources: 1Confidence: 12%Edits: 47 and counting
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The Front Page

Edition 047 · Filed by NEWSCUM staff

Politics story imageDeveloping
Politics11 min ago№ 01

GOVERNOR SIGNS EXECUTIVE ORDER FORBIDDING THE WORD “NO” INSIDE STATE LIMITS

Citing the ‘negative energy crisis’, all citizens are kindly required to respond with ‘maybe’.

By N. Bureau · 4 min read

Economy32 min ago№ 02

STATE GDP TO BE PAID IN HAIR GEL, OFFICIALS CONFIRM

Treasury announces a transition to a ‘pomade-backed’ reserve currency by Q3.

By Wallet Street · 4 min read

Climate1 hr ago№ 03

WILDFIRES BLAMED ON “UNAUTHORIZED USE OF TEMPERATURE”

A new task force will investigate the temperature for further unauthorized behavior.

By Hot Take Desk · 4 min read

Tech2 hr ago№ 04

STATE LAUNCHES AI THAT ONLY SAYS “WE’RE LOOKING INTO IT”

Officials describe the rollout as ‘deeply consistent with prior performance’.

By Silicon Sigh · 4 min read

Local story image
Local3 hr ago№ 05

TRAFFIC FIXED FOR 4 MINUTES, NO ONE SURE WHY

Engineers requested that no one mention it ever again under any circumstances.

By Off-Ramp · 4 min read

Crisis Watch5 hr ago№ 06

TASK FORCE FORMED TO STUDY WHY TASK FORCES KEEP FORMING

Findings will be presented at a future task force, to be announced by an even later one.

By M. Eta · 4 min read

Gevin Newscum portraitOp-Ed

Editorial · Page A1

“I have nothing to hide. I just have a lot of things to reframe in a more forward-leaning posture.”

— Gov. Gevin Newscum, addressing his own reflection